i used to write every day...and i used to really love this blog...but ever since i got back, i've been busy, sure.  but more than that, i've just had nothing to say.  at least nothing i feel like makes a difference.  i feel so alone in this transition even though i know i'm not.  i feel so confused even though i know what's waiting.  i feel so misplaced even though i'm doing just what i asked for.

i guess i just feel like a grown up.

and maybe i just want to go back to being a kid.  maybe i just want to go back to waking up every day without an agenda.  with knowing that the world was right outside our campervan door, or right down the metro, or on the next flight.  i want to decide at 3 o'clock in the afternoon that we want to try something new.  and i want to be able to do it.  i hate this 9-7 thing and i hate this "be responsible because you're a manager" shit.  i just want to go prank people, try sick food in new countries, stay up late watching alias because i can sleep in the next morning, and i want to steal muffins or rides on the bus because the world is my playground.

damn it.

i'm moving to nebraska on monday.  all by myself.  i told my mom she couldn't come with me because i have to do this for myself.  i've got to sink or swim and i've got to prove it to myself and those skeptical bosses i work for that i'm not just an educated girl without passion, but one who is extremely capable to do anything she wants.  maybe what scares me the most is that they said everything i already doubt in my own mind and all i really wanted was for them to speak right into my soul and say, however quietly, "i know you can do it."  they told me they wouldn't send me if they didn't think i could, they told me this is the way i thrive, they told me i'm capable...but even with those words they never gave me that little piece i needed.  because i don't know it for myself yet...

i want to do this...and i want to do it well.

so i'm packing my cat and my books and my pictures, and i'm driving all the way by myself.  and i'm going to listen to sad driving music, and i'm going to listen to rocking music.  and i'm not going to stop until i get there.  but i'm going to pick myself up every day and make it happen.  i'm not going to do it for anyone else--because quite frankly i'm not sure they're worth it.  but when i look back when i'm 40 i'm going to laugh to myself at my innocent naivety but i'm going to laugh with pride.  because i'm going to do something that not every one else could do. 

shine.

for the next 5 months please reference:

http://bobnraq-aroundtheword.blogspot.com

and we thank you.

 

this time next week i will:

start the biggest adventure of my life
be hyper
be on a plane somewhere east of chicago
be super excited
be laughing and hugging my best friend
be too talkative to sleep
be totally safe on a plane
be ready to be leaving
be thrilled to have her by my side
be daydreaming

this time next week, it will all be real.